What is Sobriety?

by Sam Louie, MA, LMHC
Prodigals International Counseling

When addicts come into therapy, they often desire sobriety. When I ask for specifics on what this would look like it often goes something like this, “I want to stop drinking, using porn, gambling, etc. Little do they know early on, staying sober is more than not engaging in their drug of choice. People in the beginning stages of recovery confuse this vital aspect of recovery.

Being sober also means being relationally present with others. Instead of isolation, secrecy, and hiding, you are more relationally present by getting more connected to others through your vulnerability and sharing of yourself.

While sobriety technically is defined as the period of time one has abstained from addictive substances or behaviors, it’s also a state of mind. This state of mind is about presence. Emotional, physical, spiritual, and in some case sexual presence. Being emotionally present is the first step towards insight and growth. You can feel and experience your emotions without getting overwhelmed to the point of wanting to suppress them through compulsive means. Being sober also means being relationally present with others. Instead of isolation, secrecy, and hiding, you are more relationally present by getting more connected to others through your vulnerability and sharing of yourself. You do this as a means to exorcise your past fears of abandonment, judgement, or shame. Others may sense this shift as they may comment on your newfound abilities to empathize, reflect and validate with them.

Measured from within

Spiritual presence means you will achieve a certain level of peace when you’re in healthy sobriety. Unhealthy sobriety is when someone is “sober” but is still actively trying to engage in their addiction in thought or deed (i.e. a “dry drunk”). A dry drunk is an alcoholic who is “sober” from alcohol but is not emotionally sober. That is, the person is riddled with anger, frustration, entitlement and other forms of distorted thinking. The person may blame, minimize, or express contempt for the recovery process or shirk at the idea of accountability, exploring how their past impacted their addiction, or demand others never to talk about it (their addiction) citing it’s no longer relevant in their current “sober” state.

As you may see, the hallmarks of sobriety then shouldn’t be defined simply by a number (i.e. the days, months, or years someone claims they have abstained from their actions/substances). Instead, sobriety should also be measured from within. This is why addiction recovery is considered a “spiritual” transformation. What is the addict’s relationship to self, to others, and to God? Is it one of humility, surrender, and acknowledgement of their addiction and impact on others? Does it come from a posture of grace, forgiveness, and love? If so, this could signal a true change of one’s heart as opposed to just behavioral change.

Being sober as defined by abstinence is important but equally so is emotional and spiritual sobriety.

Sam Louie is a counselor with Prodigals International, author and spoken word artist with an emphasis on porn/sex addiction (Specialist in Problematic Sexual Behaviors; S-PSB), Asian shame, and multicultural issues. Sam received his Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis in marriage & family therapy from Azusa Pacific University. He is the author of Asian Shame & Addiction: Suffering in Silence and Slanted Eyes: The Asian-American Poetic Experience (poetry collection based on themes of Asian culture, mental health, and addictions).