Are You Sober, Stable and Bored Out of Your Mind?

by Pat Means, MA, LMHC

Can you remember the last time you experienced genuine joy? What if I told you that you can experience a life of consistent contentment with greatly reduced levels of stress, punctuated by moments of joy – as the norm?

When I asked that question at our Blue Sky Recovery Workshop, a man in the front row deadpanned, “I’d say you’re lying.” And yet, as Christians we’re supposed to be people of joy! And as individuals in recovery, God has relieved us of the shame of our addiction and is helping us live free of porn and other compulsive behaviors, one day at a time.

So why are so many sober men in recovery glum, flat, passionless?

In my work with clients in recovery from problematic sexual behavior over the past several years I’ve identified several reasons why “sober” doesn’t necessarily mean “joyful.” For one, many men have not forgiven themselves for the ways they’ve hurt others in their addiction. They know that God has forgiven them and, in many cases, their partner has forgiven them, but they’ve continued to walk around with that 50-pound rock of shame in their backpacks.

You can drop that rock today (and I tell you how in the Blue Sky Recover Video Series).

Permission to pursue one’s passions…

Yet another reason that many men with solid sobriety still feel stuck is because they’ve refused to give themselves permission to pursue their passions.

A client I’ll call Bill came in to see me because of high levels of anxiety. He was successful in his career and had been sexually sober for several years but said his life had settled into an unending rinse-and-repeat cycle. We addressed his anxiety first by giving him tools to deal with the killer levels of stress generated by his job. (I share those tools with you in Blue Sky as well.) But then I asked him what he did for fun. He was quiet for several moments and then said, “Well, I used to ride motorcycles.”

“I used to love to ride my Harley in the countryside,” he said. “Open road, wind streaming by. It never failed to relax me.” But when he got married, Bill traded his bike for a sensible sedan. Bill could afford to buy another motorcycle; he hadn’t because he thought it was too “frivolous” or “grandiose.”

But I was thinking of God’s promise in Psalm 103: “[The Lord] satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle.” Bill’s life and recovery definitely needed to be renewed. I challenged him to be open to it. I won’t spoil the story here; you can hear it in the Blue Sky Recovery workshop. But I will tell you that Bill did buy another Harley and it had a surprising impact on his recovery.

Another client learned to play hockey in his thirties, another lovingly restored an ancient tractor, and a third, a cyclist in his fifties, overcame injuries to complete the GranFondo Whistler in Vancouver, B.C. – a 76 mile race with a 6200 foot elevation gain. All these men found a new spark through their passions and brought that spark back to their recovery experience.

The Blue Sky Recovery Video Series – Now FREE and ON DEMAND

Prodigals International and I are partnering to offer you the entire Blue Sky Recovery Workshop Video Series without cost – because we care about your recovery. It’s available for you FREE and ON DEMAND on the Prodigals website. So are you ready to level up your experience? Don’t settle – sobriety is only the beginning!